show your cards

While my twenties have at times seemed to turn me into a rigid, negative, selffish, cynic, I have a lot of soft spots (want to try me--wink wink). I get great joy from sending (and receiving) letters, cards, thank you notes, and so forth. So, I'm awful exciting that it's time to pull out my fancy Holiday card spreadsheet!

Before meeting up with a friend last night, I took a trip to the MoMA store. I browsed for a good half hour before I came across the holiday card section. Two display fixtures sat toward the back of the store gleeming (i'm serious). It was perfect. There were so many interesting cards to choose from. One box featured hot pink reindeer on a silver backdrop. Another opened up into this cut out "enchanted forest." I decided this year, that I would search for a holiday card that simple, yet poignant. There at that MoMA I found my 2006 holiday card! If you are lucky and on my list you shall receive one. And you're going to love it...it's so "domino."

I also found a card that had me "in stitches." It was a vintage photo of a young boy, possibly from the 60's. It seemed as though the photo had been maniuplated (photoshopped, y'all), so the child wore lipstick and blush. He sat in front of a Christmas tree and the above caption read: Everyone Loves A Little Fruitcake During the Holidays.

I hope someone sends me that card.

I'm excited to send out my cards this year. More excited than I was last year. My list has grown and I'm much more savvy about this activity. I'd love to believe that people will be enchanted by my card, but it will sit with the others from family, distant relatives, and friends--which is ok. I will be pleased and the holidays are about giving, so give me joy and get on my Holiday card list, pronto!

back and ready to blog

Your beloved "chuntress" has returned from the depths of Southern California. It wasn't that bad, in fact, it wasn't bad at all. In the week I was there I purchased a pair of red shoes, had the most delicious burger from Father's Office (Santa Monica), hung out with old friends, and participated in some much needed laughter!!!

shhhh, it's sleepy time

I'm in Riverside and it's not to my surprise that I had a difficult time falling asleep last night. I usually can't fall asleep in unfamiliar places right away. So as I was dosing off, I began thinking about a conversation that I had had earlier that evening with my very good friend (and new mommy), Emalee. We were speaking about her sweet baby (he was 10lbs. at birth) and how often he sleeps. I began to tell her that one of my most rewarding activities is putting my little ones (the children I babysit) to bed.

It goes something like this...

There's been chaos or near chaos all evening, but once the kids finish dinner and have baths they're good to go. I lather them with sweet smelling cremes, give them fresh diapers, and select the cutest "jammies" in the drawer (I like to pick the ones with feet). Once they are in "jammies" I hug them and tell them they are so cute! By now I have a warm bottle ready --mind you these are my kids age 2 and under--so I grab the "baba," "bobbie," "bubby," whatever and a cozy blankie. I usually dim the bedroom light (one of the children likes a lullaby cd), swaddle the baby, settle into a large chair, give the baby his/her bottle and rock back & forth, back & forth, back & forth.

I'm sure none of this sounds like riveting information on child-rearing, but I get such joy out of these moments. It's quiet time and the babies always look so peaceful. It usually takes the little ones about 10-20 minutes to knock out, and once they do, it's to their crib they go. I'm not typically a sentimental girl (emotional, but not sentimental), but it's this moment that makes me realize why people fall in love with their babies. They're great when they're awake yes, but they're so trusting & peaceful at sleepy time.

update: I've decided that I'm not looking forward to going down to Riverside. I really hate going there. It's nothing but drama everytime I go. And I can already feel some nasty tension building. I'm ready to go back to San Francisco and I haven't even left. Ugh, Garden State experience is surely underway...

leavin on the midnight train

Today it's a trip home to "the side." Riverside. I'm sure I'll be greeted with the usual questions from family:

"How do you like living in San Francisco?"
It's great, I love it. I'm never moving back here.

"Really, why not?"
Because I don't like chain restaurants (I'm a San Francisco elitest now). I have a life there, I do things that I like and it excites me.

"Ohhhh. So where are you working?"
I'm working in book publishing. I like to call myself the marketing lord, even though I don't know enough to be a lord, god, goddess.

"Candace, it's not right to compare yourself to God."
No, no not that god. but the marketing gods. They are different.

"Are you going to church up there?"
No. I'll be right back. I need to get another drink.

Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy these chats wtih family, but they're always the same. Maybe that is the beauty of getting together with family--redundance. I think I'll switch it up a bit this time and develop some witty answers or just steer the questions in another direction.

Another joy of going home is trying to divide my time among friends and family. At the top of my list are the following:

sparkle & Victoria Gardens with Ralph
day drinking with Noah
getting "crunk" (what a horrible word) with Melissa

Bring on the Riverside. I may come back with a set of acrylic nails and a plate of T.G.I (E) Friday's "tato" skins y'all.

poopy diaper party

Quite a few of my girlfriends have babies, but none of them have had baby showers. I'm thankful for this because I've never been a fan of le baby shower--I find that they're boring and the games always suck. The last baby shower that I had the "pleasure" of attending was clad with floral frocks, soccer mom haircuts, carrots & ranch dip, punch w/ sherbert in the center, dry costco cake, plastic baby hangers (someone gave this and this alone as a gift--a pack of 99 cent hangers), and prayers. I think it goes without saying, I was miserable. I stood out like a sore thumb in a big white skirt, gold hoop earrings, and cowboy boots.

I must say that I do respect the purpose of shower's. I love a good party and I love a preciuos little baby, but seriously someone has got to come up with a better way to celebrate a woman's big day. I was watching "Girls Next Door" yesterday and there was a baby shower for some blonde gal and her (very homo looking) guy. What do you think Hef's main girl, Holly did? She pulled out the classic babyshower game--guess what's in the diaper. I HATE THIS GAME. I think it's sick. What is exciting about pretending to smell shit? I say nothing, but that's just one black girl's opinion. Another game that I think is ridiculous, how many squares of toilet paper is mommy's tummy? I don't want to be swaddled in toilet paper, do you?

I think the ideal baby shower involves Billie Holiday tunes, canapes, cupcakes (in lieu of a sheet cake), a sit down meal, "cocktails" (non-alcoholic dranks for the pregnant lady), champs (because one glass is ok), lots of gerber daisies (in bright colors), & candles with an early evening backdrop. None of those stupid games will be played. Someone is going to be smart and use the sense God gave them to come up with some original stuff that doesn't involve poop, toilet paper, or "when I was a baby I..."

I haven't figured out what activities will be appropriate. But I do know that if I'm invited to a baby shower in the next few months and someone pulls out those newborn sized diapers filled with mushed candy bar (by the way, why does the organizer always giggle), I just might be the single, childless, city bitch who says, "I'm not into scat!"

ok to be lazy

It's 8:30pm on a Sunday evening and I have nothing to show for the day. That's because I spent the entire day watching television (and I indulged in some Rocky Road ice cream). I'm ok with having done nothing productive, because I deserved my lazy day. I spent my Saturday with five margaritas, Kim & Robin (I love how they keep me giggling), lots of boys, and college football. I was drunk by 5:30...my fingers were numb, my eyelids heavy, and my laughter was genuine. Everything about yesterday was genuine, espeically the way I passed out by 7:45.


(i'm not going to post anything about drinking for 5 days y'all...i'm sobering up)

i gotta new attitude

I've had a face lift and I didn't even have to leave blogspot. Obviously "chuntress" has had a little reconstructive surgery, not me. I was getting bored of black. As I said to Ralph the other day, "g(r)ay is the new black." Everything manages to be the new black at some point or another so I don't really know how much weight that saying has. Regardless, I'm going to ride out the wave of gray being insanely sexy, stylish, and much more myterious than black (Viktor & Rolf are totally going gray).

A true visionary can successfully pull off a reinvention. I mean, Madonna has done it so why can't I? Madonna has also had a face lift (she could use another), so why can't I? My blog has just gone from "Material Girl" to "Bedtime Stories" in like 30 seconds. As I always like to remind you, my reader, be jealous!

No worries, content will remain the same--unentertaining recounts of my drunk weekends, the cicular ramblings of my love life (wanting one and not wanting one), complaints, absurd fantasies, my love of Vogue magazine, frivilious spending (eventhough I'm broke), bitching, hating, and those special posts where I see the light of God and say something that makes me seem like a compassionate being. Welcome, kittens.

*Madge circa Bedtime Stories era

missing mickey avalon

I'm a little bit sad today. There's a Mickey Avalon show this evening and unfortunately, yours truly cannot attend. Instead I'm sitting on babies.

Now, I'm guessing that many of you aren't familiar with Mickey. Well he's a crass little thing, not very attractive either. But his "fuck-it, then bend over and i'll fuck you" lyrics are downright addicting, much like the drugs he references in many of his songs.

My favorite Mickey song right now (see below):

So rich, so pretty

I like a girl who eats and brings it up.
A sassy little frassy with bulimia.
Her best friend's a plastic surgeon.
and when her Beemers in the shop she rolls the Benz.
Manis and pedis on Sundays and Wednesdays
Money from mommy, lovely in Versace.
Costly sprees it's on at Barneys.
And i love to watch her go thru 50 G's calmly.

She gets naughty with her pilate's body.
And thinks it's really funny when her nose goes bloody.
Cuz the blows so yummy and it keeps her tummy empty
And makes her act more friendly.
Dance the night away.
And she won't say nothing when she makes a man stray.

Come on get it 'fore I change my mind.
Come on kid don't waste my time.
So rich, so pretty
The best piece of ass in this whole damn city.


Horrible, isn't it? Can you believe that I would even be interested in this. Yeah, I can't either. I can say this much, I'm going to keep Mickey where I like him--in my ipod. He is so not invited to my fantasy dinner party. Hmm this is something to ponder. I invited Mary Shelley (see October post) to my fantasy dinner party, given the lyrics above just think of her interaction with Mickey. Omg, mother's teach us not to mix friends for a reason, even if it is imaginary...

I bet Mickey would tell Mary "1,2,3,4 get cha booty on the dance floor work it out shake it little mama" (Jane Fonda)

monday rambling

As you regulars know, Monday usually consists of a weekend recap...
My last post recounted my new discoveries, so in keeping with the theme I'm going to add a few more:

1) Spending a Saturday morning (which turned into afternoon, turned early evening) drinking
2) Breakfast at The Elite Cafe
3) Well-done, cheap cashmere at Marc Jacobs
4) Watching Robin yell "c'mon nerd" in coffee shops that could very well be libraries

I'm going to avoid detail this go round. But I will say that I haven't laughed so hard during brunch in a long time! The food at Elite was splendid, Robin & Kim were total crack ups (one story had me in tears from laughing), and bloodly mary's go down well after a night of beer. Also, I met a new boy. We have dubbed him, "new boyfriend." Granted he's not my boyfriend, but he was very candid in telling me that he should be. I like that--the honesty. He took me out for dinner last night and DVR'ed Desperate Housewives for me. Survery says, keeper. And he's really cute when he wears his glasses.

Needless to say, I enjoyed my weekend. I even got up and went running, bought new booties, a knit hat, and scored a $200 blouse for $20. Yes, be jealous.

It rained today and I would have loved to stay home and play dress up in all of my new things---I know I'm not the only person who does that, right? The dress up gods weren't in my favor, because I didn't stay home and play, rather I wore the ugliest thing ever and went to work. Can I go back to Friday and start over?

new discoveries

It takes a long time to distinguish those things that you genuienly enjoy from those things that are, just ok. I've made a few new discoveries lately. I'm getting more in tune with what I do and don't like. Since I often wallow in a lovely little place called negativity, I'm going to avoid telling you what I dislike and spend some time talking about what I am enjoying these days.

Music: Currently enjoying the crass lyrics of Mikey Avalon (itunes download) & the Marie Antoinette Soundtrack

New Found Passion: I have two--deep v-neck tee's from American Apparel & Voluspa Candles (scent Persimmon)

New and Oddly Fulfilling Pasttime: Getting up alone on Saturday, making coffee and reading Vogue

New Found Treat: Cheese & Herb Croissant from Myth Cafe ( i really enjoy their coffee too)

New Discovery (that comes with age): It's ok to disagree wtih someone to their face & day drinking (less of a hangover)

New Libation: Grapefruit Mimosas

wishing & hoping no longer

I knew that if I wished hard enough this day would come. Britney Spears is finally on the right track, bidding K-Federjerk "popozao," a slvete figure, and donning a sassy new cut she is back to her old ways. I think everyone is going to forget about her whitetrash ways in about 3 months. Everyone will love her again. And Ralph & I will be spending our last pennies to see her perform in Vegas--this you can count on. How long must we wait for the full circle of our #2 Pop Icon???

(did i really just blog about this...as Amanda would say, "you [candace] are very lame")

Read Perez

that's an action item for you

(omg, it's 6:28am and I'm up blogging....loyalty)

In the past few years that I've spent in the working world I've been subject to meetings. Meetings aren't always fun, and I'm sure you would agree. They can often be long, boring, misdirected, a "my way is the best way" battle, or short and unaccomplished. Taking all those things into consideration, I've figured out what would make department meetings more enjoyable....cocktails!

Before you disregard this, seriously (haha) consider it. Your department is scheduled for a 3 o'clock meeting, but at 2:30 some "hotender" (hot bartender) shows up and takes everyone's order prior to commencement of the meeting. This is perfect already. All of your drinks are paid for by your department, unless you're ordering top shelf liquor (oh btw, the conference room is now complete with a fully stocked bar). I'm sure you're thinking that this would be ridiculous because everyone would get shitfaced. But c'mon this is work and there must be some sort of order. The rules:

1) two drink MAXIMUM
2) absolutely no shots
3) the bartender cannot concoct any drinks with tequila (sorry no 'ritas)
4) if you seem drunk after your first drink, you cannot have a second
5) it doesn't matter how good the drinks have you feeling, you cannot, by any means take off clothing or dance on tables (grounds for termination)
6) beer is only offered during friday meetings to coincide with weekend sporting events. otherwise no beer, it's cocktail meeting hour, not an afternoon at the "Brewco"

The beauty of alcohol is that in small doses it gets things accomplished. One drink will loosen everyone up, they will say what they have to say and all attendees get out within a reasonable time frame. I just think this would be great. I'd love to begin discussion projects and asking questions after taking a good sip of a campri and soda (with orange juice), a raspberry mojito, a kir royal, grey goose and pineapple, or just a flute of veuve. How effective. Mmm make mine a double. I want to hear your thoughts on this...