I'm really not loaded with things to say today. Although it seems bleak weather is in my future. I'm sure my desert soiree will still go over well, but without as much sunshine (vitamin C) as I would have liked. I know that I will at least have the chance to play "paparazzi" for two days, go out for a Vogue-like black & white photo shoot and get all of my stress carefully kneaded out of my shoulders!
Now, I'm sure you are wondering about this "paparazzi" thing. Well it's quite fun...I once asked Arty if she had played. To my dismay she said no, but seemed intrigued by it's potential joys. Paparazzi is a game that I and "the peanut gallery" (R &S) like to play. It involves dressing like your favorite celeb, running from the camera's demon flash, holding up your hand to the lens, imitating celeb poses and giving the beloved pouty lip. Yes, I'm probably too old to be doing things like this, but somehow my girlishness (or just down right ridiculouness) take over my body when I'm with "the peanut gallery."
S has managed to pack her entire closet. She gave me the run down last night via AIM: a few pairs of shorts, a few pairs of pants, a skirt, 2 dresses, a couple of tops, 2 swimsuits, a tunic, a juicy suit, scarves, headbands, cosmetics, jewelry, capri cargos, p.j's, panties, 1 sweatshirt, 1 coat, some hats and 6 pairs of shoes. Yes...I thought the same thing. Is she moving to Palm Springs? Whatever the case, it only adds to my exciting tale of our desert adventure. I'm hoping to come back with some great photos of old people and a tacky sweatshirt that I can turn into a haute mess!
I have a plane to catch.
P.S. I LOVE YOU!
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
For Me? You Shouldn't Have!
While I realize this could be a presumptuous move on my part to think one would want to purchase a gift for me, but for those who do, here are some ideas. I am not one to turn away a present, I welcome it. I enjoy receiving presents and you should too. So take part and enjoy my Wish List (courtesy of Amazon.com). I felt it only right to begin and end all things with Hunter (that will explain a book by him at the top and bottom of my list). Granted the list shows my eclectic taste but it will only make you fall deeper in love with my versatility.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
happily ever after
After being surprised with a gardenia (my favorite flower) by one of my favorite co-workers I decided that this growing old alone thing could actually work. And here are 14 reasons why:
1. I have enough gay men in my life who treat me far better than any straight man ever could--they bring me flowers, invite me over for sassy dinners, they have boyfriends that give me CBS mugs and they love me unconditionally (even after a trip to small claims)
2. I don't have to plan my life around someone else's schedule or dreams
3. I can happily wear my long granny nighties without worrying if "he" (whoever he may be) still thinks I'm the hotness
4. I can spend more time with the men that matter (aside from the Gays)...Hunter S. Thompson, Truman Capote, Vladamir Nabokov and Samuel Coleridge.
5. I can take lavish trips and plan desert soirees with friends without having to invite the man, just because he is the man and he should be invited.
6. I can welcome compliments from anyone without feeling like it could lead to something else
7. My Friday nights are always "free of clutter" (meaning I don't automatically have plans or have to spend it with the man)
8. I like my alone time
9. Brunch is better with girlfriends
10. I don't have to buy Christmas, Birthday, Valentine's or Just because gifts for a man...I can buy them for myself
11. Baths are better with Ella Fitzgerald
12. Bean burritos & Margaritas taste better when you're single
13. Johnny Depp will continue to make movies
14. I can live happily ever after in my 3 bedroom (Dominoesque) home with my Chihuahua, Merkin...enjoying quiet mornings with just my coffee.
1. I have enough gay men in my life who treat me far better than any straight man ever could--they bring me flowers, invite me over for sassy dinners, they have boyfriends that give me CBS mugs and they love me unconditionally (even after a trip to small claims)
2. I don't have to plan my life around someone else's schedule or dreams
3. I can happily wear my long granny nighties without worrying if "he" (whoever he may be) still thinks I'm the hotness
4. I can spend more time with the men that matter (aside from the Gays)...Hunter S. Thompson, Truman Capote, Vladamir Nabokov and Samuel Coleridge.
5. I can take lavish trips and plan desert soirees with friends without having to invite the man, just because he is the man and he should be invited.
6. I can welcome compliments from anyone without feeling like it could lead to something else
7. My Friday nights are always "free of clutter" (meaning I don't automatically have plans or have to spend it with the man)
8. I like my alone time
9. Brunch is better with girlfriends
10. I don't have to buy Christmas, Birthday, Valentine's or Just because gifts for a man...I can buy them for myself
11. Baths are better with Ella Fitzgerald
12. Bean burritos & Margaritas taste better when you're single
13. Johnny Depp will continue to make movies
14. I can live happily ever after in my 3 bedroom (Dominoesque) home with my Chihuahua, Merkin...enjoying quiet mornings with just my coffee.
Monday, March 20, 2006
possibly untitled
It's not often that I blog twice in one day, but I'm moved by the powers of spring (?)...I got nostalgic today after talking to an old friend on the phone. We speak pretty often, a few times a week actually. I like to think I know this friend well, in fact, I do know this person well. We've ventured on a number of road trips, shared many long (deep & heartfelt) conversations, and we respect each other's company.
This person often listens to me whine or shares in my happiness. He's (yes, he) compassionate and has a genuine kindness about him. I don't see him as much as I used to, which as of late has begun to sadden me a bit. I'm hoping we'll get together soon--although I usually do all of the talking and he'll agrees or just smile back at me. He listens to me well, eventhough he can sometimes miss the point.
I miss this friend. I miss him most when we're hanging out in his living room, watching t.v. and laughing at some old inside joke. I never say it anymore, but I love you Chris <3
This person often listens to me whine or shares in my happiness. He's (yes, he) compassionate and has a genuine kindness about him. I don't see him as much as I used to, which as of late has begun to sadden me a bit. I'm hoping we'll get together soon--although I usually do all of the talking and he'll agrees or just smile back at me. He listens to me well, eventhough he can sometimes miss the point.
I miss this friend. I miss him most when we're hanging out in his living room, watching t.v. and laughing at some old inside joke. I never say it anymore, but I love you Chris <3
working on it
I'm getting excited...I turn 23 in twelve days. While most people consider a birthday a time for celebration (and I do), I see it as a time for reflection. On the eve of my 22nd birthday I vowed to make my 22nd year my best year yet. I will admit that it was filled with experience. In that year, I managed to graduate college (my greatest accomplishment yet), rekindle friendships that seemed eternally severed, meet amazing families and children, lose a hampster, make some regretable decisions, have my heartbroken, write some great stories, move into a great apartment, go on my first hike, win some writing contests, crash my mini, get on and off of Myspace and read Lolita. That's only a snippet.
As most of you know, I managed to get my first job out of college this year. And while, this job has taken me to places mentally and emotionally that I didn't know existed, I've still gained a lot from it. My current situation is helping me figure out one of the hardest questions, who do I want to be. I don't have a solid answer yet, but I know what I don't want to be. I've learned that I no longer want to do things just to say I've done them, I no longer want to be apart of things that don't work towards a greater good, I don't want to get angry at the small things and I want to be happy with the way I see me, not the way other people see me. I'm sure these are things that a lot of individuals want out of life. But when "the shit gets bad," one will work harder at these things. I slip and give in to things that I don't necessarily think hold a lot of weight in the grand scheme of things, and I have found myself doing things to say I've done it (whatever it may be) but I'm working on it.
My 23rd year will outshine my 22nd...I'm getting my passport and I'm off on a lone trip to France!
As most of you know, I managed to get my first job out of college this year. And while, this job has taken me to places mentally and emotionally that I didn't know existed, I've still gained a lot from it. My current situation is helping me figure out one of the hardest questions, who do I want to be. I don't have a solid answer yet, but I know what I don't want to be. I've learned that I no longer want to do things just to say I've done them, I no longer want to be apart of things that don't work towards a greater good, I don't want to get angry at the small things and I want to be happy with the way I see me, not the way other people see me. I'm sure these are things that a lot of individuals want out of life. But when "the shit gets bad," one will work harder at these things. I slip and give in to things that I don't necessarily think hold a lot of weight in the grand scheme of things, and I have found myself doing things to say I've done it (whatever it may be) but I'm working on it.
My 23rd year will outshine my 22nd...I'm getting my passport and I'm off on a lone trip to France!
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
sense & sensibility (sans austen)
Over dinner I made a keen observation about myself. I can no longer get so worked up over things. After it was made clear to me that the rate at which I'm getting upset could lead to a heart attack followed by death by the age of 30, I've decided to be more mindful of my anger. I will take walks, breathe, and avoid using my cell during moments of rage (which happen more often than not these days). I've also considered seeking out a therapist and devoting more time to relaxing/journaling.
Life loves throw curve balls. I have made a sensible decision, but the happenings of this gloomy Wednesday morning are making no sense (hence my blog title). I strolled into work 8 minutes late, proceeded to carry out my daily tasks only to turn around and be greeted by none other than W. I think I've upset the gods. Suddenly, I became nervous and shakey, two feelings that I'm less than fond of. So, on the day where I had hoped to lessen my anxiety, it has been taken to a whole new level. I'm trying to be cordial and professional, but friendly. It's hard. As I have said before it is difficult to look at the man who less than three months ago broke things off in a most disgusting manner and smile.
I'm big on being honest with the self, so I won't sit here and pretend I'm not feeling a bit giddy that he's here. Nor will I act as though I don't want the attention from him. But I will say that I had honestly hoped he wouldn't be making another appearance in this blog or in this office so soon...
Life loves throw curve balls. I have made a sensible decision, but the happenings of this gloomy Wednesday morning are making no sense (hence my blog title). I strolled into work 8 minutes late, proceeded to carry out my daily tasks only to turn around and be greeted by none other than W. I think I've upset the gods. Suddenly, I became nervous and shakey, two feelings that I'm less than fond of. So, on the day where I had hoped to lessen my anxiety, it has been taken to a whole new level. I'm trying to be cordial and professional, but friendly. It's hard. As I have said before it is difficult to look at the man who less than three months ago broke things off in a most disgusting manner and smile.
I'm big on being honest with the self, so I won't sit here and pretend I'm not feeling a bit giddy that he's here. Nor will I act as though I don't want the attention from him. But I will say that I had honestly hoped he wouldn't be making another appearance in this blog or in this office so soon...
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
adieu adieu severing is such...
At 5:35 p.m. I shut down my computer. I sat back in my chair, breathed a deep sigh and declared the day, emotionally draining. March 13th proved to be a day of mixed emotions leaving me exhausted, sluggish, and more ready to feel security of my tree-house apartment than ever before.The morning was delightful, I took time to enjoy my last few hours of house sitting, finished up some paperwork at USF and managed to run into one of my favorite professors (Dean Rader), while there. He grew a beard and I think it makes him look fabulous (he's really tall, dark hair, glasses...). I wanted to run away with him right then, and have him forever enlighten me with his literary knowledge! But once out of my fantasy world, I headed to work.
I use my iChat feature religiously (sometimes I should really turn that thing off). Because of this I manage to stay in constant contact with friends, my co-workers and my roomie, Ray Wonder (Amanda). I often find that after a days work I am either filled with happiness, rage, sadness, or confussion upon concluding conversations with friends. I usually speak with my friends in Southern California.
However, yesterday's conversations left me with feelings of the latter...more specifically, confussion. It's truly beyond my comprehension that so many of the people I met years ago, haven't changed much. I try desperately to give them the benefit of the doubt and oversee a lot of their shortcomings. But as of late, it's been more and more taxing to do so. I find that we are in different places. My mother (who I speak with everyday) says that I should accept people for who they are. I've tried this and it doesn't work! I know that I can't change people, but don't they ever want to change themselves? I feel like at some point, one will tire of their juvenile ways, hope to take on more responsibility and prove themself a creditable individual. I haven't seen much of this in many of my long-standing friendships (I am even apprehensive to use the "f" word). I am beginning to believe that only thing that sustains these relationships is history or a delightful past.
In a constant battle with selffishness, underachievers, and mindless chatter, I stand at a crossroads. Do I slowly sever these relationships or continue to hold on because whether I want to admit it or not, a part of me still cares...
I use my iChat feature religiously (sometimes I should really turn that thing off). Because of this I manage to stay in constant contact with friends, my co-workers and my roomie, Ray Wonder (Amanda). I often find that after a days work I am either filled with happiness, rage, sadness, or confussion upon concluding conversations with friends. I usually speak with my friends in Southern California.
However, yesterday's conversations left me with feelings of the latter...more specifically, confussion. It's truly beyond my comprehension that so many of the people I met years ago, haven't changed much. I try desperately to give them the benefit of the doubt and oversee a lot of their shortcomings. But as of late, it's been more and more taxing to do so. I find that we are in different places. My mother (who I speak with everyday) says that I should accept people for who they are. I've tried this and it doesn't work! I know that I can't change people, but don't they ever want to change themselves? I feel like at some point, one will tire of their juvenile ways, hope to take on more responsibility and prove themself a creditable individual. I haven't seen much of this in many of my long-standing friendships (I am even apprehensive to use the "f" word). I am beginning to believe that only thing that sustains these relationships is history or a delightful past.
In a constant battle with selffishness, underachievers, and mindless chatter, I stand at a crossroads. Do I slowly sever these relationships or continue to hold on because whether I want to admit it or not, a part of me still cares...
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
culture hybrid
I'm feeling more grounded as of late. I'm thinking perhaps it's my new iTunes selection. For the past two days now, I've been listening to "Classical Guitar." It's making me want to travel. So with that said, I began filling out an application to be issued a passport! I'm also excited about this job with the ballet, I've considered a move to Boston for grad school, my tax return is on it's way and I'm plowing through Anna Karinina!
I guess I'm going through my "spring cleaning cleansing phase," if you will. I'm trying to lessen my celeb gossip intake, which is hard, but is a necessary evil. I like to consider myself a hybrid of cultures (high and low), never claiming a specific allegence to either one. However, I find that I often snub one and praise the other. Right now I'm all about high brow. I'm interested in finding a proper instituion for my continued education. I'm hoping to finish an entire book this weekend, maybe write a little. Engage in some stimulating discoures (like I did yesterday with Amanda--topic: surrogacy) and avoid seeing a romantic comedy this week et cetera et cetera.
But in about 2 weeks, I'll be all about the low brow...not reading any esteemed literature, reading the gossip like it's my last day on earth, using crazy terminology like "shiteous," and hoping desperately to watch Mean Girls. I guess I am a hybrid. But I'm also extreme, as I'm often told. (more on this later....I have projects to attend to)
I guess I'm going through my "spring cleaning cleansing phase," if you will. I'm trying to lessen my celeb gossip intake, which is hard, but is a necessary evil. I like to consider myself a hybrid of cultures (high and low), never claiming a specific allegence to either one. However, I find that I often snub one and praise the other. Right now I'm all about high brow. I'm interested in finding a proper instituion for my continued education. I'm hoping to finish an entire book this weekend, maybe write a little. Engage in some stimulating discoures (like I did yesterday with Amanda--topic: surrogacy) and avoid seeing a romantic comedy this week et cetera et cetera.
But in about 2 weeks, I'll be all about the low brow...not reading any esteemed literature, reading the gossip like it's my last day on earth, using crazy terminology like "shiteous," and hoping desperately to watch Mean Girls. I guess I am a hybrid. But I'm also extreme, as I'm often told. (more on this later....I have projects to attend to)
Monday, March 06, 2006
newsies
I finished my cover letter...SF Ballet here I come!!!
Chris wishes this blog was about him. It's funny how he desperately wants to be apart of my everyday life. Maybe if he stops drinking beer, he'll be a daily blog fixture.
Chris wishes this blog was about him. It's funny how he desperately wants to be apart of my everyday life. Maybe if he stops drinking beer, he'll be a daily blog fixture.
monday contention
Two items on the list (I'll address the Oscars later). It's Monday. I like to think the good Lord set aside Monday's for complaining and wishing you were at home. I sort of wish that, but Shannon brought brownies to work this morning, so Jesus must be rewarding me for spinnning so well on Saturday.
Back to this contention. Item number one is about the bus driver who is enamored with me. Bleck. Today as Amanda and I boarded the seven he says, "Nice to see you today. How was your weekend?" These are kind gestures and I welcome his speech with smiles and honest replies. However, when I got off of the bus he yelled, "BYE." I ignored him. I felt like I could get away with that. So as I began crossing the street, he honked the horn. I ignored him. He did it again. I still ignored him. I felt bad, but he was crossing a line. I couldnt' wait to tell Amanda that we will never take the seven again. But she claims she will tell the driver where I live, spin and work. BLARG!
Contention item number two. I overheard some "W" talk this morning about how he was out flirting with some la la sluts. I started feeling the anger come up my body, all the way to my head, so I bit my yummy brownie...hard. It makes me so angry to hear about this. You know, I sometimes want to slap myself for thinking that things could have gotten serious with "W." I knew in my heart that he was a man who never wanted to grow up, but I thought it would balance out our significant age difference (19 yrs.). The way he broke things off was so pathetic. Who calls a girl during Desperate Housewives (making her miss Grey's Anatomy, because she is so upset and drowning in a box of pink tissues) after promising to stay the night to say..."This isn't going to work out darling and I'm sorry"? Pathetic. What kind of self-respecting man continues to call a girl after he's broken things off? Pathetic. I'm sure it's some power thing, where he had hoped he would still have me around should he want my post-adolescent girlish charm and adoration.
It really grossed me out to hear of him hitting on la la sluts, when I know what the underbelly of the situation is. I'll admit, sex with "W" was fabo, chatting with "W" was fun, that morning we spent lying in bed listening to the rain was awful romantic, being wooed by him was exceptionally invigorating, the fact that he is/was 19 years my senior made me feel acomplished. But hearing him lie and knowing he will never own up to his true self disgusts me. He has some socially induced allegence to bachelorhood, which is fine, but he should own up to it. I don't think it proper for him to vernerate my existance only to change his mind three weeks later by blaming it on his paycheck.
(Yes I'm ranting)
It's sad. I want to be his friend, I want to respect him. But I can't. I can't deal with these low-life men anymore. I can't look at him and pretend I wasn't hurt by his lies. He lives a double life and I think that's ridiculous. I don't know what will happen the next time he comes to SF. I'll have to be a real bitch (not too much out of the ordinary). I'll have to be stone professional and frigid...two things I'm not fond of. I've considered tickling his fancy when he comes to town. But I think I love myself too much for that. Granted a tustle would be fun and is well overdue, but I think I'd rather sit at home with a bowl of grapenuts, watch reruns of All in the Family or ride a white horse before hearing all of that SHIT come out of his mouth because well, in his own words, "you've got to understand, it's what I do 'dolls'!"
Back to this contention. Item number one is about the bus driver who is enamored with me. Bleck. Today as Amanda and I boarded the seven he says, "Nice to see you today. How was your weekend?" These are kind gestures and I welcome his speech with smiles and honest replies. However, when I got off of the bus he yelled, "BYE." I ignored him. I felt like I could get away with that. So as I began crossing the street, he honked the horn. I ignored him. He did it again. I still ignored him. I felt bad, but he was crossing a line. I couldnt' wait to tell Amanda that we will never take the seven again. But she claims she will tell the driver where I live, spin and work. BLARG!
Contention item number two. I overheard some "W" talk this morning about how he was out flirting with some la la sluts. I started feeling the anger come up my body, all the way to my head, so I bit my yummy brownie...hard. It makes me so angry to hear about this. You know, I sometimes want to slap myself for thinking that things could have gotten serious with "W." I knew in my heart that he was a man who never wanted to grow up, but I thought it would balance out our significant age difference (19 yrs.). The way he broke things off was so pathetic. Who calls a girl during Desperate Housewives (making her miss Grey's Anatomy, because she is so upset and drowning in a box of pink tissues) after promising to stay the night to say..."This isn't going to work out darling and I'm sorry"? Pathetic. What kind of self-respecting man continues to call a girl after he's broken things off? Pathetic. I'm sure it's some power thing, where he had hoped he would still have me around should he want my post-adolescent girlish charm and adoration.
It really grossed me out to hear of him hitting on la la sluts, when I know what the underbelly of the situation is. I'll admit, sex with "W" was fabo, chatting with "W" was fun, that morning we spent lying in bed listening to the rain was awful romantic, being wooed by him was exceptionally invigorating, the fact that he is/was 19 years my senior made me feel acomplished. But hearing him lie and knowing he will never own up to his true self disgusts me. He has some socially induced allegence to bachelorhood, which is fine, but he should own up to it. I don't think it proper for him to vernerate my existance only to change his mind three weeks later by blaming it on his paycheck.
(Yes I'm ranting)
It's sad. I want to be his friend, I want to respect him. But I can't. I can't deal with these low-life men anymore. I can't look at him and pretend I wasn't hurt by his lies. He lives a double life and I think that's ridiculous. I don't know what will happen the next time he comes to SF. I'll have to be a real bitch (not too much out of the ordinary). I'll have to be stone professional and frigid...two things I'm not fond of. I've considered tickling his fancy when he comes to town. But I think I love myself too much for that. Granted a tustle would be fun and is well overdue, but I think I'd rather sit at home with a bowl of grapenuts, watch reruns of All in the Family or ride a white horse before hearing all of that SHIT come out of his mouth because well, in his own words, "you've got to understand, it's what I do 'dolls'!"
Thursday, March 02, 2006
ain't no sunshine
I'm a little distrubed today. The weather is fairly crappy (no sunshine), I'm still here (if you know me, you know where "here" is) and I've had a bit of a falling out with a friend. I sort of wish "W" would call so I could whine to him about it. But then again, he would probably go on talking about how fabo it is in L.A., how he had drinks at the Roosevelt or some other swank-hole, or some other shit that could send me flying...damn he makes me angry.
My tiff with my friend is wigging me the most. I don't see the problem with giving advice to friends. If they depend on you when they are down, want to share their good news with you, cry to you when things suck and ask questions like, "do you think I'm going to hell" with hopes of an honest answer, why is giving your opinion such a problem? I made the "mistake," if you will of giving a friend my take on a situation that I thought could, in the long run, be problematic for her. I think she wants friends who lie to her and tell her nice things so she smiles. But isn't real friendship about honesty and a true concern for the well-being of one another? My feelings are pretty hurt by this. Especially considering that she sent me a rather snarky email about how I should keep my opinions to myself. I guess it's going to be another one of those shitty days.
Oh yes and it's coming down hard on the workfront...I really need to get working on my cover letter.
My tiff with my friend is wigging me the most. I don't see the problem with giving advice to friends. If they depend on you when they are down, want to share their good news with you, cry to you when things suck and ask questions like, "do you think I'm going to hell" with hopes of an honest answer, why is giving your opinion such a problem? I made the "mistake," if you will of giving a friend my take on a situation that I thought could, in the long run, be problematic for her. I think she wants friends who lie to her and tell her nice things so she smiles. But isn't real friendship about honesty and a true concern for the well-being of one another? My feelings are pretty hurt by this. Especially considering that she sent me a rather snarky email about how I should keep my opinions to myself. I guess it's going to be another one of those shitty days.
Oh yes and it's coming down hard on the workfront...I really need to get working on my cover letter.
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