bye bye broken heart

Last we "spoke" I was going on about how I learn new things about myself everyday. Perhaps this is my week of self-actualization. A veil has been lifted from mine eye and I'm pleased to announce that I have the male species pinned! Ok, I'm exaggerating a bit, but whatever the case I've gained clarity on my relationships/interactions with men.

I think all girls have a general idea of who's who when it comes to men, but it takes years (if you ask me) to accept and embrace this intuition. You know if a guy is good or bad for you within 24 hours. However, you'll justify him in every possible way you can to make him seem "right." You'll kind of mold him--make light of those things that you know are going to burn you in the end, just so you can envision him being "the one."

I've become a bit of a cynic in my old age and more so, I believe I've become hardened to the behaviors of men. Sometimes I get sad about this, because I feel as though an endearing part of me is gone. But on the other hand I thank jebus that those days are behind me. Ugh. No more crying, stressing, waiting, wondering, wishing, hoping. I've learned to take a man at face value. If his demeanor is off when I meet him, or if I'm lead to question more than one thing that came out of his mouth, he's probably just a one-night stand. He could be one of those guys who hangs around for a few months, takes me out, makes me laugh, gives me a reason to get pretty on a Tuesday night, gives me hot sweet love, and says nice things, but I know he's nothing more than that. I like this. I am really enjoying accepting an asshole for what he is. I feel in control and a lot less vulnerable than in days past. I mean did I really think that "Hotender" could be my boyfriend? And what about "Southern Hottie?" Oh and let's not forget "NBF..." All of these experiences were fulfilling in someway and I can now accept that and not want more or go home and cry about that shit.

I'm also beginning to question the idea of "the one." I'm sure he exists and most women can attest to this. But there is a part of me that is content with knowing he'll never show up and I'll just have my two retarded best friends to last me for the rest of my life (I know most of you are cringing at thought of my immaturity never really "dying"). This is not to say that I don't believe in love...I do. Many of my friends have found it and I'm happy for them. My day will come, but I'm in no hurry (I’m so fickle). Some day my "prince" will come. But I wouldn't be surprised if he were a skinny hot gay who really wanted to watch The Hills with ONLY ME for all of eternity...