It's 12:55pm and I've done nothing today. I've sat at my computer acting as a slave to my inbox. I have refreshed my mailbox about 15 times within the last 20 minutes (both work and personal accounts). I'm drained.
I had a chat last night that upset me a bit. It made me realize how so many of my decisions are not my decisions. I'm at the mercy of devices, mandates, and/or other individuals. They make decisions and set the rules, while I painfully oblige and blindfully accept them as my own. In the end, I question my ability to make choices, I question my ability to function as an adult, I question if I'm really the independent and socially capable individual that I believe myself to be. I'm sure I go through this questioning only out of paranoia, but I really feel like I'm not as in control as I would like. I'm losing my drive and my ambition.
In the past year, I've noticed a pattern in my behavior. I approach so many things with gusto, high hopes, high expectations, and genuine delight. However, as time goes on I lose the excitement. Is this something that comes with age? Do things progressively become more and more dull? I hope not, because that makes me want a pharmie.
I'm suffering from a total case of the Monday's.
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